Weeks later, standing at the copy machine at my new job, I type my commands onto the screen of our copying machine.
Nothing happens.
It’s as if the screen isn’t registering my fingertips. I snarl at it in annoyance. No one is safe from my moods today. Not even the robots. I'm hell on heels.
The heels, only add to my irritability.
I wish this had a built-in stylus so I could actually type on this damn thing. Why isn’t this a feature yet? I can’t be the only one that has long nails and clumsy fingers around here.
I fight the urge to smash the screen with my fist. Rather than violence, I decide to mention this idea to my boss. Before I lose the nerve, I walk over to his office and tap lightly on his office door. He doesn't answer at first, but then I hear his voice, drifting through the door. “Come in,” he calls.
Opening the door and entering his office he seems surprised to see me. “Hi, Barry," I say, thinking of how to word my suggestion.
What if he tells you it's stupid?
“Hey, Jess!" he says, voice ripping through my anxious thought."What can I do for you?”
Swallowing, I work up the nerve to move my tongue. Finally, the words come. “Actually, I had a design idea for the machines that we sell. I thought maybe you could run it by the manufacturer?”
He gives me a look that I can’t quite place and for a second, I consider bolting out of his office.
“What’s that?” he asks, looking curious with a mix of...something else that I just can't pinpoint. But whatever it is, doesn't seem good.
Taking a deep breath, I decide to just get it over with. “What if, the machines came with a built-in stylus?” I stop to study his expression for approval but he seems confused by the idea and doesn’t say a word at first. I can tell he's choosing his words carefully. His apprehension makes me panic even more.
“I just don’t see the point of it,” he says gently.
“Yeah, it’s probably a woman thing,” I say, waving my hand dismissively, feeling my heart sink a little. "I guess it sounded like a better idea in my head," I say giggling nervously. I always giggle when I'm nervous. To the point of being annoying.
Get your head back in the game and out of the clouds, Jessi. Your job isn’t to design the machines. You’re not an inventor. You’re a sales person. Know your role.
Tucking my tail between my legs, I give him a little wave and I go take my place, back at my crusty cubicle. And for no reason at all...it suddenly feels like my world is about to end.
When I get back to my desk, I reluctantly open my laptop once again. It hums to life, just like it has hundreds of times before. Something about the sound of it gives me the urge to walk out the door and never return.
Tapping my fingers on my desk, I can feel it creeping in. The sense of restlessness. The itchy ache of rejection. Why am I like this?
