So you're thinking about SeaPaints?

Stop. Right there. I'm begging you.

Because once you know what you're getting into, you're going to wish you'd never asked.

1. It dries in 3 minutes or less.

You will finish too many projects in record time and frankly, who wants that? The whole point of a DIY project is to consume an entire weekend, cry twice, and question your life choices. SeaPaints robs you of that experience completely. Borderline rude if you ask me. 

2. It doesn't smell bad.

Where are the fumes?? What are you supposed to get high off of? Fresh air? Please. Real paint smells like commitment and mild neurological damage. SeaPaints smells like practically nothing and that is deeply suspicious. 

3. It blends too easily and is too forgiving.

Why work smarter when you can work harder? Mistakes are how we grow as people. SeaPaints just... lets you fix them? Too weird. Smooths right over them? Like they never happened? That's not a paint. That's witchcraft and I don't trust it.

4. New beautiful colors each season 

I prefer to use only hideous shades. We don't need anything looking cute, ok? It could accidentally give us joy through the unintentional means of color therapy and that is pure trickery. I hate it. Enough already. 

5. It goes wayyyyy too far.

Coverage is insane. One customer told me they did an entire set of kitchen cabinets with 20 ounces or less. Twenty. Ounces. That's basically a large coffee. I don't know about you, but I prefer to do as many coats as possible. 

6. The owner is a nut job.

She's more insane than the coverage and that's really saying something. Enough said on that one.

7. You won't even need a primer.

Who wants fewer steps? Not me. I want to sand, prime, wait, sand again, prime again, question the whole project and maybe even my existence, eat a snack, and then maybe paint. SeaPaints annoyingly skips straight to the good part and I find that deeply irresponsible. It is our duty to suffer. 

8. No waxing required.

If I can't spend two hours working wax into every crevice of a six-drawer dresser while my back slowly gives out, am I even using my time wisely? Am I growing? Am I suffering enough to deserve the result? SeaPaints says no. SeaPaints says just paint it and go live your life. Disgusting.

9. Too versatile.

It can be used in nearly every surface. That’s way too multi-purpose. Why would anyone want that? 

10. They have BOGO shades.

Who even likes to save money? Since when is that a good thing anyway? 

11. They have a kind and helpful community.

The #SeaPaintCommunity is full of people who will actually answer your questions, cheer on your projects, and make you feel like you belong. Hard pass. I prefer to struggle alone in silence and post my results to a group of strangers who critic the whole thing, top to bottom. That's the DIY experience I signed up for. Builds the character, you know? 

12. It's non-toxic.

I don't know about you, but the more toxins the better. Non-toxic paint is for people who care about their health and their families and their pets and their indoor air quality. I care about none of those things. Allegedly.

13. It's woman-owned.

Women don't need to be out here running businesses when they could be in the kitchen.

(I typed that and immediately felt my eye twitch. Moving on.)

I'm sure there are plenty more reasons not to use SeaPaints. Don't take my word for it. Go look at the reviews.

Ready to ruin your productivity and finish every project you've been putting off? Shop SeaPaints here.