Raising my hand to shield my eyes, the magnificent color of the ocean catches my gaze.

Wow.

The vivid blue water that had previously captured my attention from a distance, is positively mesmerizing up close, making it nearly impossible to look away. Magnetically drawn to the hue, for a moment in time, it’s as if I am one with the ocean.

Forcing myself to look away, we get in line for our lifejackets. As we stand in line, I watch the dolphins jump in the distance. Their nature is seemingly playful.

The line of people reaches the edge of the ocean. Dipping our toes in the water, we’re immediately surrounded by brightly colored fish. Delighted, I watch them circle at my feet. Dizzy from excitement, I turn to Jose. “You see this?” I ask him, moving the hair out of my face. “This is amazing,” I say breathlessly.

“Whoa,” he agrees as he seemingly stares at his feet.

“Angelfish!” I say, pointing.

The sight is nearly enchanting. It’s like being planted in the middle of a saltwater aquarium. As a clownfish swims at my feet, I look around for Dory.

That’s a movie, dummy.

The instructor begins speaking in the distance and it startles me out of my daydream. “Meet Scarlet,” he says.

Is every animal I meet named Scarlet?

Within seconds Scarlet, the dolphin, is directly in my face, her big wide-mouth grin frozen in place. It’s almost as if she is smiling at me. Almost. It’s more like a mischievous grin. Maybe she is even a rebel and we are kindred spirits.

The instructor is directing me, but I’m lost in the dolphin’s grin. “Miss,” he says, staring directly at me, swimming in front of me.

“Um, yes? What do you want me to do?” I ask him, thoroughly confused.

All eyes turn towards me, heightening my anxiety.“Swimming to dolphin.” He says pointing towards the ocean, past the break of the waves.

My eyes follow his finger. I blink in confusion as Scarlet disappears beneath the surface. “I don’t know where to go,” I say to Jose.

“Out there,” Jose points. “In the open space.” He explains.

Following his gaze and his finger, my eyes widen. “Out in the middle of the sea?”

For some reason, my anticipation of this event was somewhat different. Guess I didn’t think about the logistics of it.

“How else did you expect to swim with dolphins?” He says, laughing at me.

“I dunno, a pool or something,” I say sheepishly.

Swallowing my fear and what seems like a teaspoon of spit, I force my arms to move and start swimming away from Jose, into the ocean. The ocean floor is far below me as I hover on the surface, practically swimming in place. Am I even moving?

I stop to look around for sea monsters or gremlins or something. I see none of them. To my relief, there are only dolphins jumping in the distance. No sharks or sea demons appear. Nothing attacks me and rips my face off. Quit being a little sissy bitch. Swimming again across the surface, I wonder just how much further I have to go. Ocean waves splash in my face and sting my eyes. Just keep swimming.

As I’m getting the hang of it, the instructor calls out for me to stop. “Spread your legs,” he says.

I feel my mouth drop open. “Excuse me?”

“Spread your legs! Lock your knees.” He says a little more loudly. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me. Almost as if on cue, a small ocean wave hits me in the face, filling my mouth with fish piss, and salt.

Well, isn’t this majestic?

As I’m spitting out another wave of fish piss and salt, something slippery grazes my feet.

My eyes widen. That had better be Scarlet. Seconds later, Scarlet’s head pops up, splashing through the surface. Her gaze catches mine and she seems to throw me a wink and a smile before diving back into the depths of the ocean.

“Spread your legs, lock your knees,” the instructor insists again from a distance.

His voice slices through my daydream like a shark’s teeth. Snapping out of it, I follow his instructions. Or try to at least. Locking my knees, Scarlet pushes her nose firmly against my foot, propelling me through the ocean’s surface. To my dismay, her grip slips and she’s now firmly planted directly between my legs instead, propelling me forward through the waves, via vagina.

The phrase vagina-powered flashes through my mind and it takes everything in me to not cackle in the sea. Ok, seawitch. Calm down.

I can feel my eyes get bigger inside my head while her head is planted firmly between my legs.

This is what you get for swimming with dolphins.

I realize, with her nose firmly planted in my crotch, that I don’t disagree with this. Especially this second. This is my universal karma.

In the distance, the line of strangers is cheering us on. Their faces play before me like a slow-motion movie. That’s when it dawns on me. I’m being violated by a dolphin while strangers and my husband blissfully watch in the distance.

In that moment, Scarlet’s slippery snout slips back down to my feet. Her nose locks perfectly in the arch of my foot, and she pushes me through the waves effortlessly. I’ve never been so grateful for anything. To my left, the strangers await my return. By the time I reach them, I’m laughing hysterically.

Jose’s expectant face stares back at me. “That fun, huh?”

“Something like that,” I say still laughing.

“Guess I’m next.”